SECRET LIFE OF HADDON MCKENZIE
MEL’s bachelor apartment on Jarvis Street. It is a not particularly
luxurious sixties style sofa and chair and coffee table. MEL,
CINDY and HADDON stagger through the door. They are drunk and
MEL. I’ll never forget it.
CINDY. MEL, don’t.
MEL. Why not.
CINDY(gigglilng too) It’s not nice...
MEL. What’s not nice.
HADDON. That little fit wasn’t nice.
MEL. It wasn’t a little fit.
HADDON. What was it then?
MEL. I don’t know.
HADDON. I’ll tell you what it was, a conniption!
CINDY. What’s a conniption?
MEL. It’s bigger than a fit.
HADDON. No, this is him. (He goes into the centre of the room)
I don’t care (he acts very effeminate, with a lisp) I don’t
care if your name issss Petra Burka!. I don’t care who your
mother issss! Thesssee figuresss are not ROUND! They are not ROUND
they are EGG SHAPED!
MEL(laughing) Yeah, well, what does he know about eggs. (He sits
on the couch with CINDY, HADDON sits in the chair.)
CINDY(hitting him) Mel!
CINDY. That’s not nice.
MEL. What’s all this stuff about being nice all of a sudden.
HADDON. Auntie Ozzie is not NICE. Auntie Ozzie is a nelly old
CINDY. Haddon, that’s awful.
HADDON. Well it’s true isn’t it?
MEL. It sure is.
MEL. He gives real men like us a bad name. REAL MEN figure skaters.
HADDON. That’s what I mean.
MEL. Honey, can you g et us some scotch?
CINDY. Sure. Where is it?
MEL. In the liquor cabinet. In the kitchen. (He points, drunkenly)
CINDY. Oh yeah, sure. (She goes off. Pause, they sit together
on the couch for a minute.)
HADDON. This is serious.
MEL. This is very serious.
HADDON. She’s going to go and take figures with her mother.
MEL. And Ellen can’t teach figures.
HADDON. Well she can teach them. Of course she can teach them.
MEL. But not like Auntie Ozzie.
HADDON. Not like Auntie Ozzie. You won’t see Petra at East
MEL. That’s for sure. What a blow to East York.
HADDON. It doesn’t matter. Ozzie can get anybody he wants.
I mean who knows she might even come back to him. But I don’t
think so. Not after that performance. (He gets up.) I mean he
skipped. He literally skipped over to the boards, like this...
(He gets up and does a little effeminate dance waving his arms.)
PETra! PETra!. Look at this EDGE!. Come look at this EDGE right
MEL(in hysterics) That’s priceless. That’s really
priceless Haddon. You do him
HADDON(more flouncing) I hope not TOO well. Skipped! Skipped!
MEL. Stop it, stop it, I can’t stand it! (They collapse
together on the couch laughing. HADDON starts to tickle him. )
no....no don’t do that...you know I’m ticklish no,
I can’t take it when you do that-- Haddon NO. Stop no ---
HADDON. What. (he stops.)
MEL. I’m serious. Don’t do that.
HADDON. Why not? (He launches an another attack) why NOT
MEL. No STOP IT NO!!!!
CINDY (standing at the door with the drinks, smiling). What’s
MEL. Haddon’s tickling me. Stop it. Stop it. I said stop
HADDON. No, I won’t I WON’T
MEL. No no...I can’t take it
CINDY(good naturedly laying the drinks down) He turns into jelly
when you tickled him.
HADDON(stopping suddenly) He certainly does.
CINDY (sitting down in the chair with her drink). Sometimes he
cries like a baby when you tickle him.
HADDON. Yes. (pause) How do you know.
CINDY I know. (She and HADDON hold each other’s gaze for
a moment. HADDON launches a surprise attack.)
HADDON. All the more reason to DO IT!
MEL AGHGHG! (They roll around on the couch together for a minute.
CINDY watches them goodnaturely but warily.) I won’t sit
down. (He gets up.) I won’t sit there anymore. (He gets
up and sits on the arm of the chair with CINDY and takes a drink.)
Haddon does a wicked Auntie Ozzie imitation.
HADDON . Well he was my teacher.
CINDY. He was?
HADDON. Oh yes. For ten years.
CINDY Ten years. Wow.
HADDON. That’s one way to put it.
CINDY. He taught you everything you know?
HADDON. Well, almost everything. (An uncomfortable pause.)
MEL. So. We’ve got some news.
MEL. Cindy and me.
HADDON. Oh. News. That’s nice.(Pause, giggling into his
drink) Did he pin you?
HADDON.Did Mel pin you.
CINDY. What exactly do you mean.
MEL. I think he means like at school, when you’re going
with a boy, when the boy really likes you, he gives her his school
CINDY. Oh. Is that what you mean?
CINDY. Well , not exactly.
MEL. Yes exactly. Yes I pinned her.
CINDY(hits him). MEL!
MEL. Well I did. What I’m trying to say is -- well Cindy
and I have decided to become ahh.....partners (Pause)
HADDON. You mean, ice dance partners?
MEL. Yes. (pause) We’re going to go into the Ontario finals
HADDON Ahh. (Pause) Well. (Pause) When did you come to this decision.
CINDY. Just last night.
HADDON. After last night when you were practicing together.
HADDON. I saw you donig the Paso Doble.
CINDY. Oh, I didn’t know you were still there. I thought
we were alone.
HADDON. No, I saw you.
CINDY. Oh. (Pause.)
HADDON. Well, that’s big news.
MEL. Yes, it is.
HADDON. Ahh, Well. (Pause.)
MEL. You don’t seem very happy.
HADDON. Well I’m just surprised.
MEL. We thought you would be, didn’t we honey?
CINDY. Yes, we did.
HADDON(pause) And drunk...I’m a little drunk.
CINDY. We’re all a little drunk.
HADDON. Yes. (Pause) Well, it’s an interesting decision.
MEL. Don’t you approve?
HADDON. I didn’t say I didn’t approve. (trying to
be tactful) But we were talking about Mickey Lamantia.
MEL(embarassed) Yeah, well, we were.
CINDY. You didn’t tell me that.
MEL. We weren’t seriously considering her.
HADDON. We were, actually.
MEL. No we weren’t.
HADDON. I thought we were.
MEL. Well we’re not now anyway.
HADDON. I don’t think we should completely dismiss Mickey.
MEL. HADDON. I TOLD you. It’s going to be CINDY and ME.
ME and CINDY.
HADDON. Well you seem to have made your decision.
MEL. Yes we have (putting his arm around CINDY) Micky’s
all wrong anyway.
HADDON. What’s wrong with Mickey?
MEL. She skates like a boy. (He giggles) She looks like a boy
HADDON. She’s very athletic.
CINDY. You mean I’m not? (Pause. MEL gets up and paces.)
HADDON. I didn’t say that. I simply said she was athletic.
And precise. She’s a very precise skater. (pause)
CINDY. And I’m not?
MEL. Mickey’s only sixteen years old.
HADDON. All the more reason. All that potential. If she can skate
like that at sixteen, then --
MEL. She’s too short.
HADDON. You should have someone short.
CINDY(she stands up). Are you saying I’m too tall?
HADDON. I’m not saying that Cindy. I’m just saying
I think Mel should dance with someone who is short.
HADDON. It makes him look taller. More in control.
CINDY. And you don’t think he’s in control with me?
HADDON. Cindy, I don’t understand why you’re being
so sensitive. I’m just being a professional. That’s
why they call people like me professionals. Because that’s
what we are.
MEL. Look, I’m going with Cindy, and that’s that,
HADDON. Allright. (Pause) Jesus, I don’t know what everyone’s
getting so irritated about.
MEL. Well I don’t think you’re being very nice.
HADDON. I’m just looking at all the options. It’s
nothing against Cindy. But if you’ve made your decision,
MEL. We’ve made our decision.
HADDON. And there’s no going back on it.
MEL(firmly) NO. (Pause.)
HADDON. And you want me to be your pro.
MEL/CINDY (together) Of course
MEL. Of course we do.
HADDON. That’s what I thought. Well of course I’ll
be your pro. I’d love to prepare you for the finals.
MEL. Good. That’s great.
CINDY. Yes, Haddon, I’m honoured. (pause.)
HADDON. Well then, I hope you won’t mind
MEL. Mind what --
HADDON. Excuse me MEL, but I didn’t finish my sentence.
HADDON. It’s allright.
MEL. You were saying.
HADDON. I was saying, I hope you won’t mind if a make a
MEL. A suggestion? (He looks at CINDY) No, I don’t think
so. Do you mind Cindy?
CINDY. Well -- no.
MEL. No, we don’t mind.
HADDON(irritated by this confab). Good. Well I just have a little
suggestion, just to get things rolling. Cindy, I hope you won’t
CINDY. Well no.
HADDON. I mean if I’m going to be your coach, we might as
well start now.
MEL. When we’re all completely drunk.
HADDON. Well if you don’t want my advice --
MEL. I didn’t say that --
CINDY. No Haddon, no, I mean sure, if you wnat to give me some
advice, sure, I’ll take it. I’m sure we’d both
like to hear any advice you’ have.
HADDON. Okay.(pause) Well before we even start, taling about the
skating, Cindy, I think you should do something about your hair.
CINDY. My hair?
MEL. What about her hair?
HADDON. Don’t you know?
MEL. No, I don’t know. What’s wrong with her hair.
HADDON. Well it’s all wrong.
CINDY. What’s wrong with my hair.
HADDON. Well, it’s too high, for one thing.
CINDY. To high?
HADDON. Yes, it should be flat.
HADDON. Yes flat. The way it is it generally ads to your...tallness.
CINDY. Oh, I see. (pause)
MEL. I don’t.
HADDON. You don’t?
MEL. No, I think her hair is fine.
HADDON. Well, it’s not.
MEL. Anyway, she just got it done.
HADDON. I can see that. It doesn’t matter.
MEL. It was done by Joseph Bobyk.
HADDON. Oh, I see.
MEL. Yeah, he does all the stars.
HADDON. I know who he is.
CINDY(weakly). He does all the hair for Spring Thaw.
HADDON. I know what he does.
MEL. Listen Haddon --
HADDON. I don’t really care who did her hair. The point
is that it’s wrong and she should get it fixed.
MEL. Haddon, I’m telling you --
HADDON. Unless, of course, you want your future dance partner
in the Senior Ontario Figure Skating Finals to look like a poodle.
HADDON. Yes, a poodle.
MEL(angry) Jesus Christ, Haddon.
CINDY. You think...(She stands up) you think my hair makes me
look like a...a poodle?
HADDON. Yes, Cindy, I do.
CINDY. Well then maybe...maybe you should think about Mickey Lamantia
for a skating partner then, because(near tears) at least she doesn’t
look....like that! (She throws down her drink and runs out)
MEL(running after her) Cindy Cindy --
CINDY(offstage) Leave me alone! (Door slam, tears behind the door.
Long Pause. MEL stands with his back to HADDON.)
MEL. Well Haddon.
MEL. You’ve really done it now.
MEL. Are you?
MEL. I don’t think so,
HADDON. How do you know?
MEL. Because... well because... that was....not a very nice thing
to say. (pause)
HADDON. It was the truth. (pause)
MEL. You know what?
MEL. What you said sounds like....(he turns) it sounds like something
Auntie Ozzie would say.
HADDON. Are you serious?
HADDON. I don’t think he’d ever say anything like
MEL. You know what I mean.
HADDON. I don’t think I do.
MEL(turning around) Why are you being so mean to her?
HADDON. I’m not being mean, I’m just --
MEL. Cut the CRAP Haddon. You’ve never liked Cindy.
HADDON. That’s not true.
MEL. Yes it’s true. From the first time I met her you’ve
been saying things about her planting little doubts in my brain
HADDON. I don’t mean to --
MEL. Yes you do. You’ve been deliberately trying to break
us up, and not just as skating partners, but as a couple.
HADDON. You’re crazy.
MEL.No I’m not.
HADDON. Yes you are. (MEL suddenly takes a somewhat athletic leap
across the coffee table and lands on the couch beside HADDON.
He pushes him down on the couch and climbs on top of him, so that
he is straddling his chest.) Hey what are you --
MEL(covering his mouth) I know what you’re up to. I know
what’s on your mind. I know what you want. You want this
don’t you. (He thrusts his pelvis in HADDON’s face.)
You want this, don’t you? (HADDON shakes his head, terrifed)
Come on say it. I want to hear you say it. (He slaps HADDON’s
face with his free hand) Say it. (slap) Come on. (slap) I want
to hear you say it. (slap) We both know it. We both know what
you want. (slap) I want to hear you say you want it. (slap) Now
I’m going to take my hand away, and you’d better tell
me you want it, or you’re going to get slapped again, you
hear me? You hear me? (HADDON, wimpering, nods yes. MEL slowly
takes his hand away.) Now say it.
HADDON. I....want......it.....(He lies there panting, looking
up at MEL.)
MEL. I knew you did. (For a moment, MEL sort of waves his pelivis
in HADDON’s face. HADDON looks up at him, frightened and
aroused. Time seems to stop for a moment.) I just knew it. And
you know something...you’re never going to get it. Or then
again, you might...if you’’re a really good boy, and
you’re really nice to Cindy. You hear me? You hear me?
MEL. Good. (He climbs off of him, and stands with his back to
him.) Now get the fuck out of here. (HADDON sits up, shakes his
head, and looks at Mel.)
HADDON. Mel --
MEL. I SAID GET THE FUCK OUT. (HADDON slowly stands up and slinks
out the door. Pause. The bedroom door opens and CINDY carefully
pokes her head out the crack.)
CINDY. What happened.
MEL. I gave him what for.
CINDY. What did you do?
MEL. I told him not to insult you again.
CINDY. You didn’t have to do that.
MEL. Yes I did.
CINDY(after a pause) Well, it wasn’t a very nice thing for
him to say --
MEL. No, he was being a sarcastic prick.
CINDY. I guess he was a bit. (Pause) Are you okay?
MEL(snapping out of it). I’m fine.
CINDY. Are you sure? You just seem a little.
CINDY. A little vulnerable, or something.
MEL. I’m not vulnerable.
CINDY. Okay I just.
MEL. I’m not fucking vulnerable.
CINDY. I’m sorry.
MEL. Come here.(He grabs her violently, and kisses her.) Oh honey.
CINDY. What is it?
MEL. Oh honey. (He picks her up and carries her over to the couch)
CINDY. What are you doing --
MEL. Oh shit. (He rips open her blouse, starts to kiss her breasts
as the lights dim). Oh honey. Jesus honey....fuck.....fuck...honey...oh...honey
END OF SCENE TWO: >> SCENE THREE