THE SECRET LIFE OF HADDON MCKENZIE

SCENE I

BEV, HADDON and IVOR at Julie’s. BEV AND HADDON are eating in leisurely fashion. IVOR is eating voraciously, but also watching them surreptitiously.

HADDON. I don’t know if there’s anything you can do about it.

BEV. Well, I could complain.

HADDON. You could do that.

BEV. Not that I care that much anyway.

HADDON. No. (pause) But you do care.

BEV. Ivor.

IVOR. What?

BEV. Slow down. (to HADDON) He gets that from his father.

IVOR . It’s good.

BEV. Of course it’s good. This is Julies. It’s better than anything at The Curling Club I can tell you that.

IVOR. I like The Curling Club.

BEV. Not after what they just did to your mother you won’t like it. (Pause. They continue to eat in silence for a few seconds.)

HADDON. Well you’re not going to go back to East York, are you?

BEV. I could. I don’t think so. It’s better for Ivor at the Curling Club.

HADDON. Why? I’m still at East York.

BEV. Petra Burka doesn’t do her programs at East York. She only does her figures.

HADDON. With Auntie Ozzie.

BEV(disapprovingly) Haddon!

IVOR. Who?

BEV. Nothing, Ivor.

IVOR(dropping his fork). Who’s Auntie Ozzie?

BEV. Nothing. You’re too young to understand.

IVOR(to Haddon) Mr. McKenzie?

HADDON. Your mother’s right, Ivor.

IVOR. Okay. (He goes back to eating. Pause). So I don’t understand what happened exactly. Did they kick us out?

BEV. No they didn’t kick us out, Ivor.

IVOR. What happened then.

BEV. That horrible board member told me they don’t allow divorced women at Curling Club functions.

IVOR. Why.

HADDON. You’re too young to understand.

IVOR. No I’m not.

BEV. He’s not really, Haddon.

HADDON. Oh, well --

BEV(picking a piece of food out of her teeth with her nail) They consider divorced women to be...predatory. As if I was....a sexual huntress, or something. As if it was my mission in life to separate every married woman from her husband. It’s all very insulting. I had the same problem at the Unitarian Church.

HADDON. They wouldn’t let you go to parties?

BEV. Oh they let me go to parties, allright, and then if one of the husbands came near me, alone, the wives would get all nervous, and be watching us, God help us if we just went out to the terrace or into another room. They followed us. It was very humiliating, actually.

HADDON. Why are married women so insecure?

BEV. Well they’re not very attractive, most of them. Of course neither are their husbands.

HADDON. Well it is a church.

BEV. Not the Unitarians. The Unitarians are crazy. They’re into wife swapping.

HADDON(aghast). Really?

BEV. Oh yes, really.

IVOR. I know who Aunti Ozzie is.

BEV. No you don’t.

IVOR. Yes I do.

BEV. Who.

IVOR. Oswald Pirabeau.

BEV. Eat your peas.

IVOR. Am I right?

BEV. I told you to eat your peas.

IVOR(to Haddon) Am I right?

HADDON. Your mother told you to eat your peas.

BEV(who has been picking at her teeth) Oh God, I’ve got a piece of food stuck between my teeth and it’s driving me crazy. (She stands up) I just have to go to the washroom where there’s a mirror and --

IVOR(getting up too). I have to go too.

BEV. Well you can go after I go

IVOR. I want to go with you.

BEV. What are you talking about. Sit here and talk with Haddon. We don’t want to leave poor Haddon here alone. (She throws down her napkin and exits. There is a long pause.)

IVOR. Is Oswald Pirabeau a friend of yours?

HADDON(obviously insulted) No.

IVOR. Sorry.

HADDON. You don’t have to be sorry. (Pause)

IVOR. I wish I was better at jumping.

HADDON. I wish you were too.

IVOR. You think I’ll ever be able to jump?

HADDON. If you work.

IVOR. I do work.

HADDON. Not hard enough. (pause)

IVOR. Do you have any advice for me?

HADDON(after a pause). Jump better.

IVOR(hurt by this). I’d like to have my own program one day like Petra Burka. Do you know what she was practicing the other day?

HADDON. Goldfinger?

IVOR. Yeah, she did it to the music of Goldfinger, it was fabulous.

HADDON. You should see her when she puts on her gold dress and does it.

IVOR. Wow.

HADDON. That’s not her competitive program it’s her show program.

IVOR. What’s the difference?

HADDON. Competitive is for competition. Show is for show.

IVOR. Oh. (pause) Do you think I’ll ever have a program?

HADDON. (after a pause, looking at him cryptically and sipping his drink). Do you? (Thankfully, BEV returns. She is pats the side of her mouth with a tissue)

BEV. My gums are bleeding.

HADDON. Ouch.

BEV. I just hate getting food stuck in my teeth.

IVOR(gettng up) Excuse me.

BEV(as he goes away). Don’t stay in there for an hour, Ivor. (IVOR ignores her.) At home sometimes he stays in the bathroom for hours.

HADDON (a bit shocked by her). He wouldn’t do that in a restaurant would he?

BEV. You should know. Boys will be boys. (The eat in silence for a minute.) His father is driving me crazy.

HADDON(laughs). Pete.

BEV. Oh Pete. Pete and Bev. Bev and Pete. I always much preferred ice dancing with you.

HADDON. We look much better together.

BEV. We do.

HADDON. What does he want?

BEV. He wants to get back together again, of course, he’s madly in love with me, of course, can’t understand what went wrong, of course. How do you say “you’re moron” in words that a moron can understand?

HADDON. He can’t be that bad.

BEV. Can I tell you something (she leans in)

HADDON (leans in) Yes, what.

BEV. He was a (she mouths some words)

HADDON. What?

BEV (mouths words again)

HADDON. What?

BEV. A premature ejaculator.

HADDON. Bev!.

BEV. What.

HADDON. I don’t think I want to know that.

BEV. Well, you know it now.

HADDON. Men don’t want to hear about things like that.

BEV. They don’t?

HADDON. No.

BEV. Why?

HADDON. It’s intimidating.

BEV. Why?

HADDON. To think that women judge them, I guess.

BEV. Of course women judge them. Everyone judges. The Curling Club just judged me unfit to go to their parties.

HADDON. Bev --

BEV. There’s nothing you can say to make me feel better. It’s horrible. It’s sexist. It really upsets me. (She leans in) Listen, before Ivor comes back, tell me, just between you and me, is their any hope for him?

HADDON. You mean jumping?

BEV(suspicious). Yes of course what else would I mean?

HADDON. No, of course, jumping. (Pause) Well, he’s not really the best jumper.

BEV. Maybe he should try ice dancing.

HADDON. Really?

BEV. Why not? He’s very musical.

HADDON. Well we can give it a try.

BEV. I think he’d like it better. And this whole business is supposed to be for him. It was originally to get rid of his knock knees and flat feet you know.

HADDON. I didn’t know that.

BEV. Yes, it was all therapeutic. Now of course his father thinks he’s too old to be figure skating.

HADDON. What does that mean?

BEV. I think you know.

HADDON. That’s foolish.

BEV. He doesn’t want him to end up like Auntie Ozzie. (IVOR approaches. He sits down. BEV shushes HADDON who is giggling.) SHHH. Stop it. Shhh. What took you so long.

IVOR. I was going to the bathroom.

BEV. Number one or number two?

IVOR. Mom!

BEV. Sorry. None of my business. Used to be my business, isn’t now. It was so funny you know, Ivor got so embarrassed last week when I asked him if he had hair under his arms.

IVOR. Mom!

BEV. I don’t know what there is to be embarassed about. I’m your mother. (IVOR eats in silence) Everybody gets hair under their arms, unless they’re sick, or something. (Pause.)

HADDON(tactfully) So you haven’t told me what you’re going to do.

BEV(sharply) About what?

HADDON. About The Curling Club.

BEV. Oh. Well there’s nothing I can do, is there. I think the fact that I just have a coffee in the lounge during the day, which is all I’m allowed to do -- apparently a woman like me isn’t as dangerous during the day, well that will make them just as mad --all those bitter insecure society women. It’s not like I want to be a part of their little group, they’re very boring people, I mean it’s a matter of principle really, it just happens to me all the time.

HADDON -- women being jealous --

BEV. Yes. I’m attractive. That’s the problem. I’m just too attractive and too intelligent. I know it sounds conceited but it’s true. The worse thing is the men. Men find it very intimidating.(IVOR slams down his cutlery.)

IVOR. I’m finished.

BEV. I’m not surprised. You motored through that like it was your last meal. You’re going to end up with permanent indigestion like your father. Or a hiatus hernia like your grandmother. At least I think that’s what’s wrong with her. There’s something wrong with her neck.

IVOR. I’m finished. (He gets up.) Can I wait in the car?

BEV. That’s very rude.

IVOR. I’m sorry. I feel sick.

BEV. It’s no wonder the way you wolfed down that food.

IVOR. Can I be excused?

BEV. Well it’s very rude to Mr. McKenzie. It’s not very nice to your pro.

HADDON. I don’t mind.

BEV. That’s sweet of you Haddon. Well wait in the car if you want. (As he exits.) Keep the windows rolled down it’s getting cold out. (He is gone. There is a pause.) What about his figures.

HADDON. His figures are nothing to scream about.

BEV. What is there to scream about?

HADDON. He has to work harder.

BEV. I don’t know why he doesn’t. (Pause.) I can’t eat anymore. (She pushes the plate away and throws the napkin on it) I’m stuffed. You know what I’d like to do right now? You know what I’d really like to do? (She takes a sip of wine.)

HADDON. No.

BEV. I’d like to sneak up to The Bombay Bicycle Club and have a drink.

HADDON. Well why don’t we.

BEV. Not with Ivor waiting in the car. That wouldn’t be right. (Pause.) I’ve heard they have little Indian girls up there in saris serving the drinks.

HADDON. They’re not Indian.

BEV. No?

HADDON. But they’re girls in saris.

BEV. It would be so much fun. (She sighs, and takes a drink.)

HADDON. You’re so hard on yourself Bev.

BEV. I know. It’s very difficult. Now that the divorce is finally official I just want to let loose, but I can’t because of Ivor. (Pause.) Oscar Peterson is playing at The Colonial Room this week. And Peggy Lee is coming to the Imperial Room. This city is just so alive.

HADDON. You’re a big fan of jazz, aren’t you?

BEV. I just love jazz.

HADDON. Well maybe we should go next week or something.

BEV. Would you like to? I’d love to.

HADDON. Sure.

BEV. That would b e nice. (Another sip.) You know what, Haddon.

HADDON. What.

BEV(she leans over, conspiratorially). I have this feeling I’m going to do something really ....bad.

HADDON(after a pause) Like...what?

BEV(coquettish). Oh Haddon, really, you’re awful.

HADDON(smiling) What...?

BEV. You’re too much, you’re really too much. I have to go. I really have to go before Ivor starts wandering around in the parking lot and writing one of his poems or something (She takes some money out of her purse.) Here you go. That should cover it.

HADDON. Don’t worry about that --

BEV. Haddon don’t be silly I insist --

HADDON. What a lovely purse.

BEV. Do you like it? I got it at the Colonnade. (She gets up.) Well, we’ll see on Thursday.

HADDON. Bye Bev.

BEV. Bye.

(HADDON sits picking at his food. Then he flips through the money and puts it in his pocket. He raises his arm.)

HADDON. Garcon! (He snaps his fingers, irritably. The lights dim to black.

END OF SCENE ONE : >> SCENE TWO